Tick-Tock, Tick-Tock

June 20

The Apple Doomsday Clock takes 9th place!

The computing community compiled it's seminal lists of sites that offend their tender sensibilities and the ADC takes 9th! At mactimes.com, the author lists 8 sites that he feels, "show how some people have way too much time on their hands and no love in their hearts." Although we're not specifically mentioned - it's with a great amount of pride that we suspect that we made his top 10. A sheepish Mgabrys was heard to quip - "We've obviously got WAY too much time on our hands - and bitterness is our middle name! - If there's 2 more entities on his enemies list, we're sure to be one of them!" The creator of the ADC then friviously spent his time citing the amount of time wasted between the hours of 1 and 2 am, after a nap of critical importance in the early evening that followed a few rounds of pinball and tea at a local cafe, after a long hellish day at work. The ADC has also wasted heaps of seconds, and tons of minutes in putting together a pointless exercise that is devoted to destroying productivity and bandwith all in the guise of news. Also - the ADC has been spotted in many a funk, with no sign of love or even light-hearted likability anywhere near it's heart. MGabrys - "There was a brief romance that lasted 10 months or so, but it's been called off to preserve the dour mood that is important to the ADC. If there's any love anywhere - it's certainly not near MY heart!" The very bitter and hateful Mgabrys, then ranted on the importance of fire-arms and the threats to the 2nd ammendment over the mere calous over-reactions to a few wacky kids and their school-time activities. In the meantime, the ADC would like to thank everyone who had the time to waste to make this award possible, as well as the dour disposition to keep both the faith, and the mindset necessary to make the us, the best of the best!

June 21

The Apple Doomsday Clock goes to the darkside!
In a move that shocked dozens, the ADC has gone to the darkside - as mentioned in Mackido.com, and has actually moved forward in it's plans to aquire an iMac! Mgabrys - "This is not a joke - we're really going to get one of those curvy things - probably the orange one." After years of hammering away stories critical of Apple Computer from his ThinkPad 365ED, the ADC creator Mgabrys listed the logic behind this irrational idea that takes him away from the "light side" of computing into the dark and dismal relm that has turned many-a-user into a raving batshit loon. "Well, I've still got a ton of Mac software from my Quadra days, and the ThinkPad's kinda getting old. Plus the deal for the Gateway I wanted went nowhere - it was a longshot at best - and I didn't want to spend more than the ThinkPad's price on a new computer (1300.00)." He was then grilled for hours under a hot lamp if there was any truth to the stories that Apple had paid him off, or worse, if he was a minion for Steve Jobs. Getting nowhere with these avenues of inquiry, Mgabrys was then asked repeatedly with the aid of a tape recorder set to a one hour loop if he would "Think Again" and stay with the communtiy that has been pragmatic in it's computing choices rather than emotional. Lines from the recording included "Where do you want to go today", "How fast do you want to be on the internet", and "Have you gone fucking nuts you whacked out MacJihadder turncoat?". Mgabrys only replied some nonsensical verbage about not giving a rats arse about the logo on the box, and that any time spent going apeshit with the MacMarines, being a fuckwit rebel hacking anti-Macintosh websites, or giggling profusely like a dickless nerd at Microsoft DOJ trial news would be better left to others who get off on those sort of things. In the meantime he would be updating his Apple Doomsday Clock site on weekends as usual from behind the glare of a putrid Orange iMac sometime around August 1st - making comments and newsbites about the crazy-8-bonkers user community that overly-embraces MacOS, Linux, or Wintel from his office that will be equiped with MacOS, NeXTstep, and Windows 95.

June 22

Fuck Piracy! Follow these cool fucking steps - score some free shit!

The ADC is proud to provide this cool-ass fucking public service announcement on how you can bare-balls legally score some excellent shit in the form of free fucking software! No fucking joke - this shit is both excellent - and legal, and you can fucking do it too! Here's how you can obtain whatever fucking software you want and not even associate yourself with those cock-sucking software pirates that are taking money from those assholes who write the goddamn things! First, find a cool as shit angle to write about. Something that serves the purposes of those fuckers who sit in the software evaluation groups. Those assholes are just itching as all fuck, to find some new reviews that puts their sky high pile of shit software titles in a new context for marketing purposes. Whether it's re-evaluating the fucking workflow situation with a cross-platform group that is expanding, or showing off the goddamn new feature sets within a service organization - you too could write a really hot-ass white-paper that glorifies the best fucking software that money could buy! Without bullshitting - tell the cock-suckers what you're going to study about their fucking software, and be fucking polite about it to the asshole. Then commit no less than a thousand words about how their software is the coolest shit on earth. Make sure you keep the fucker to the point and evaluate it in the context of the research you're doing. If you don't - it's fucking fraud - and that's a waste of your time - and the time of the shit-eating asshole in the marketing group. Once you've gotten a handle of the software - tell the fuckwits how they could improve it, and what fucked-up features worked the best for you. Try to throw in some hot ass fucking real-world examples if you can. Even better - try to find a few fucking bugs that their lazy-ass cunt of a coding group can fix. It helps the shit-eating user base that is using the software, and helps to create a better fucking product that everyone can enjoy! Remember - it's not just about scoring some excellent shit - it's about improving the experience for cock-suckers everywhere! Go apeshit everyone, and good fucking luck!

June 23

MacOS user reports - you won't have ME to kick around much longer!

The ADC BBBS community was rocked yet again when news of a member was going to depart it's loving ranks. With tactless betrayal of all the heart-warming care and community spirit that was provided for days on end, JohnGalt9669 viciously spat - "You don't have to worry about me to much longer Karmi. I won't be posting here much longer." He then went onto brazzenly, and with no thought of the feelings of those around him, say - "I'll be returning to writing shortly. I am sure in the not to distant future you can catch our work at macsurfer.com and slashdot.org. Once we get our forums up you are welcome to post of course." Members were left with only a blank look on their faces and a dull feeling of regret that they did something horribly wrong to offend and drive away this member of the ADC BBBS community, and prodded further what they possibly could have done to drive this upstanding participant away from the loving arms of the ADC BBBS. A weeping user who wished to remain unnamed sobbed "it's obvious that he wishes us the best, and to read and participate in his future endevours, but he's left a void that none of us will be able to fill - or an explanation on what we could have done to make him stay". A solomn candle light vigil will be held at 9pm to honor the departing memory of a person that has brought to light so many truths about Apple, the MacOS and the wrongheadded perceptions that have surrounded both in the computing community. "He will be missed - and I think I speak for all users in the BBBS that his glow will endure for years to come as one of the spunkiest debaters out there - he will be missed" said Mgabrys before being overcome with emotion and waving off microphones and reporters. A sad day for the ADC BBBS to be sure. In other news, some little pissant who was banned named iStryfe is still being a dick.

June 24

Don Crab discovers that he can't fit into an airline seat and use his PowerBook!

In a revelation that shocked a staggering 2 whole people in northern Iowa, the ever portly and spry as a tub of lard Don Crab found himself bitching that the latest G3 Powerbooks from Apple just don't fit the way they used to when flying coach. A staggeringly grotesque parody of a human being suffocating in the folds of his own flesh, was heard to say - "Before I said to hell with the liquid diet plans, I had no problem doing my cross-country commute and impressing the people across the aisle with my speedy Apple laptops. But ever since I began consuming spoonfulls of delicious and tasty Crisco(tm) and 10 quart bottles of beef tallow, I've found the latest G3 Powerbooks to be a bit on the snug side when trying to wedge my sweating, pudgy body into the three airline seats that I've painstakingly wedged myself into using the jaws of life. Although I still admire Apple and it's faithful developers who have kept the pace in the face of the Wintel laptop juggernaut, it's getting kind of hard to read the display, or even keep my pudgy fingers from glib-fisting the keyboard into a wet-greasy mess when I'm trying to send in my articles to the people that keep the never-ending supply of food coming to my house by the truckload. It got so bad, I actually had to say in my most recent update" - "Unless, of course, you do mind lugging around a 6-plus pound hunk of plastic and metal that does not always fit so well into that airplane tray table." "It's the first time in a while I've had to crack the whip like this" - spoke the horrific gellatonous blob of a man - "I just hope in the next update they can reduce the size of the notebook down to something I can use". Don Crab then went on a rampage chasing down the flight attendant because they refused to bring another 20 bags of those little packets of peanuts. He was last in the custody of police who brought him down with the aid of San Diego wildlife officials who were able to bring the situation under control at the airport gate with a volly of drug-tipped darts shot at close range.

June 25

Apple unveils Everybody Get's Fired Before Retirement program!

MSNBC in a recent news story disclosed that another hapless member of the PowerBook development team was publically flogged in front of employees for daring to ship units late into the hands of dealers who have become increasingly impatient with the small and late consignments of laptops. "I'm pleased to announce the first firing of our new incentive program that will keep Apple lean and fit well into the next century" said Steve Jobs to the media in unveiling his new Everybody Get's Fired Before Retirement program. "Now we don't have to molly-coddle these needless employees that insist that they have a career at Apple - because the reality has been for more than 2 decades - you don't!" The ADC itself has noticed that for decades even CEO's have come under a brutal salvo of cutbacks and tenure crushing layoffs that have left some even scurring for cover in a mere span of 500 days. It appears that it was only a matter of time before even the lofty position of CEO became the relm of temps, as confirmed by Steve Jobs' often cited "iCEO" title. Whether it's the plentiful stream of ready to be dissolutioned newbies fresh from college with youthful souls just waiting to be crushed over weeks of needless sacrafice over 80 week hours, or the ever predictable rumble of shifting product lines - Apple remains poised to destroy whatever misplaced trust the workforce may provide for years to come. ADC BBBS pundit gonzaga_man agreed - "'Bout time someone got the axe in that department. Every now and then someone needs to get fired, even if there's no reason other than to put the fear of God into your employees." The ADC would like to extend a hearty contraz to Apple - on a job well-done.

June 26

Packard Bell and Gateway unveils radical new designs!

New models just released from Packard Bell, and Gateway computers also to be just as slow and overpriced as the 7500.00 dollar Performa 6400 250mhz 603e enabled Anniversary Mac from Apple - AND the sound will be just as flakey! Product Manager Roger Thornbert of "The Gateway Profile" was lauded for his role in creating a perfect all in one design that mimics not only the bloated pricetag of Apple's AM, but it's horrible specs and performance which was relegated to models going for 1/3 the price! "There's no truth that the Gateway Profile has a 15" TFT DISPLAY or that it Provides nearly the same viewing area as a 17" crt monitor" - "It most certainly will not have a AMD K6-2 400MHZ Processor, 64MB SDRAM or an ATI RAGE LT Pro Graphics Processor with 4MB Video Memory" Roger went on to deny that it would have anything resembling a - 6.4GB Ultra ATA hard drive or an Integrated 3COM�10/100 Ethernet - 2X DVD-ROM Drive w/MPEG-2 Decoder. When asked if it would sell for $2299, Mr Thronbert became flushed and attacked the ADC representative for even thinking anything of the sort. "If we were to do that - we would loose parity with the geniuses at Apple that ushered in lackluster performance specs for a grotesque price margin". In holding court with Apple's past success with the Anniversary Mac, Gateway also pointed out that they would only produce 11 thousand Profiles, and that it would indeed ship with a slow and out of date 4x CD rom, and a paltry 32 megs of ram. It would also faithfully mimic the faulty sound conections which were both loose and poorly grounded as noted in Macintouch.com. After a disaster of an introduction Roger was confident that the Profile would continue to sell poorly after the price is reduced by 2/3rds. All this in spite of a liberal plan for the Profile to appear in Seinfeld re-runs. Packard Bell wasn't available for interview - but sent a tersely worded fax that their new computer the Z1, a sleek, two-toned, flat-panel PC that combines style with the latest technology into a system that is both easy to use and easy on the eyes. WILL NOT come with a 450 megahertz Pentium III processor - 15-inch flat panel screen - 8.4 gigabyte hard disk drive - DVD-ROM drive and built-in speakers.