Name: Robert O'Gwynn
Email: rho@netdoor.com
Subject: Dateline: Central Wabashaw, WI

In other news, Guy Kawasaki discovered a new way to motivate his Great Hordes of Evangelists to new extremes in vigilance and dedication. "I've had enough of those sissy mailing lists," quipped Kawasaki. "I've disovered the wonders of the NyQuil DT's, so I've my troops on an IV drip for a week now." Kawasaki claims that his cadre of email demons will be ready for battle in a week -- "...assuming we can get them off the floor."

Bill Gates made an appearance this week, announcing that Mac/Win War98 will be released "...real soon, now," and that people don't want it anyway. Gates also announced that people will soon have access to Municipal Plumbing from their desktop in Windows98, because "...so many people were asking for it." When asked what people wanted this feature, Gates stated that "there were thousands of calls into the Microsoft Service Center," and at $29.95 a call, he should be purchasing SeaWorld in a year or so, when he plans to annouce MammalVisit99, and OrcaSuiteNT99**. **no upgrades available for previous versions of FishTank97.

When asked of these developments, Apple co-founder and all around slickster Steve Jobs announced that he will be announcing his plans for announcing the Board of Directors plan of operation on beginning the development of returning Apple to profitability. Jobs refused to answer questions regarding future computer designs coming out of Cupertino.

"We do not reveal our plans early, because it stiffles current demand, and we can't pull another IIvx bait-and-switch then. Besides, I haven't read macosrumors.com today, yet, so I don't know what I might be thinking."

The war carries on, though, even without functional leadership. Apple has sustained heavy losses in the past few battles, but the spark of hope remains in Apple's secret weapon, Rhapsody.

"We hope to hit the Legions of the Microsoft Undead with full pre-emptive multitasking, protected memory address, BSD 4.4 compliant buzzwords, until they surrender their claim that Windows95 is 'as good as a Mac'," declared a hard-bitten sargent in the Mac ranks. "We're gonna whip them with the Cat-O-Nine-ADB cables," promised a young warrior, waving a fistful of 'Think Different' posters.

When news that the Mac faithful were beginning to roust themselves, the Church of Microsoft rang the steeple bells to call the Legions to action. However, the Legions were distracted -- id Software had just released a patch to make the monsters in Quake look like Diane Sawyer, only with less clothes, and the turmoil was winding its way through the ranks. On top of that, the Quake server, running on an NT server, was experiencing the dreaded BSOD (Blue Screen of Death). Unfortunately, none of the senior officers had access to the Registry, so chaos reigned amok.

In other news, spunky startup, Be, Inc. just announced that they were leaving their posistion as mediators, because, as Jean-Louis Gassee' put it, "...yer a bunch of freaking loons. We're mapping 20 video streams on a dodecahedron in real time over here!"

Amiga Technologies declined to comment, as they had to "shut off the lights, and would the last person to leave please shut the damn door."

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Just a bit of fun. If you don't like it, I don't care. I'm on sleep deprivation, sugar, and coffee diet. AAARRRRGGGHHHH!