Tick-Tock, Tick-Tock

Well this last week has had it's fair share of real-life stuff to cause the ADC to be much later than usual - but as a bonus for your patience, the new graphics are up, and there's two weeks for your parousal. This one, and week 80 which is available for your reading pleasure. Just call it a double-header on a slow weekend after giving blood and finding myself with less of a desire to go running around town - or running around in general. PSA-time-BTW: If you're type O-negative, there's a critical nationwide shortage in effect, so loose the squemish crap and let a hot nurse jack you in. It will make you a lightweight with booze for a couple of days, and help you cut down on smoking.

January 31

You already know the Broncos kicked Dan Reeves' Falcons back to their nest to dine on crow - so let's wipe the tear gas off the specs and dive right in. The MacMarines report that the situation at Best Buy is pretty darn bad and that's not just limited to the fact that they're not "honoring the in-home warrenty service on the Apple iMac". Well it get's better because with that rallying cry, there's been plenty to fret about regarding the retail service experience, which is leading many of the MacJihad to pitch in for free like a bunch of rubes. Is it just me or did Douglas Adams last week rant on about "Apple doing it's job"? I mean here we have the most successful sales figures being touted by the MacMarines and others - for the longest time coming - and yet there's a whole lot of hand-holding going-on. Call me perplexed but if a company is selling computers so well, why do they need all the help and personal attention? Could it be that Apple's NOT doing so well, or is the fanbase just really starved to showcase Apple as the computer company that needs a little tender loving care. Hold me closer because I think I'm gonna-puke.

February 1
Well even if this sounds like one day's news split into two - blame it on the pop-media for taking notice of an alarming trend in sycophatic behavior. Smart Money Magazine notices the influx of Apple draftees in it's piece "whacko in isle 4". With all the "part-time" or "freebie" evangleism, what are the stores to make of all this? After all - isn't this retail where products sell w/only the usual shelf exposure? Or is it the special olympics where an oddball portion of the inventory requires herculanium assistance to go anywhere? I mean sure home-team boosterism is great - but how does it show against the competition which is moving units without such hand-holding? Last time I checked, companies that needed that much "help" didn't exactly garner a lot of respect from retailers OR the general public, but consider what might happen if this continues into the relm of fiasco. Say, someone walks into a retailer. They don't find an attendant/store-rep, but find a "fan" who is hanging around innordenatly at the display. They buy an iMac (good for them). They have a problem with the lack of a software title, cable, or just plain didn't like the unit when it got home. They return to the store (say CompUSA with it's newly stringent return policies for Apple products) and complain that the purchase didn't live up to the promise by the store (for any reason stated by the buyer). The store asks "who helped them", and then both of them discover that it wasn't a store rep. The manager balks on the responsibility, the customer is a TAD disapointed - and guess what computer company get's less-than-great word of mouth? It's called pushing against the mainstream demand folks. Get used to it Apple fans. You're only spotlighting the obvious problem by whining about it. I mean seriously - hey! Buy an Apple! It only requires a "special" store, "special" sales reps, and "special" promotions. Nothing says death warmed over like a special olympics contender. I guess to be polite Apple's not really selling with a handicap - they're "retail-challenged". What's next - laws for special access for Apple products at other stores?

February 2

Speaking of playing up a handicap, there's still plenty of evidence as the MacJihad have been going into "tora, tora, tora" mode defending the batallion of vendors and developers that have gone ga-ga over the overpriced and over-positioning of firewire. I'm not going to repeat the lengthy and technical crap - because it really just boils down to: too expensive, too small of an overall market to support in leau of Apple's rip-off of a licensing agreement. For further proof just look to recent developments involving hardware hackers who have actually reverse engineered the firewire protocol and are establishing their own knock-off that is supportable by the major OS's out there. The techie logic goes - since hardly anyone's using firewire anyway, why get backed into a corner down the road - by APPLE of all people - over a simple licensing scam? The fact that this is even going on makes me wonder if Apple will ever be allowed to establish a standard of any kind - or if anyone will give a damn of what Apple produces outside of the mainstream market and occasionally foists as a standard in the first place.

February 3

Yahoo.com reports that the FTC tells Apple "you're a publically held company - start acting like one". In this instance it's a little PR and advertising related bru-ha-ha involving customers from the early to mid 90's who signed up for lifetime-technical support under the "Apple Assurance" program. I'm taking a wild guess here but I wonder if Apple ment the lifetime of the CEO rather than the lifetime of the computer or the customer. Well, Apple in yet another show of sympathy twords it's customer base told them to fuck off - and if they wanted support - they'd better start reaching into their wallets. Seems a few paying customers didn't like being told such things so - bring on the judge, bring on the judge. Take this interresting tidbit which I'm sure is going to get the FTC a ton of MacJihad flame-mail: ``For prospective purchasers of computer products, free access to live technical support is especially enticing,'' said Jodie Bernstein, Director of the FTC's Bureau of Consumer Protection. ``Companies that make such offers have to live up to their promises.'' Almost makes you wonder if HER e-mail address is going to appear on the MacWeek roster of people to spam. After all - how dare she - a member of the Federal Government - tell Apple how to run it's business? Good lord woman! Don't you know you're dissing Steve Jobs! Sure he violated some silly old law and got caught, but don't tempt the masses of asses with some wacky ideas about law enforcement! It's bad enough that some ungrateful customers are actually spreading rumors that not only is the Macintosh not "perfect" but is in need of that service agreement everyone actually paid money for! The nerve of some people!

February 4

This is more of a broad based argument rather than a specific news synopsis. There's been a heap of chatter regarding the iMac as the next great "appliance model" for the next millenium and the internet. People - get a grip. There's only one appliance out there with the guts of a computer and it's called A VIDEO GAME CONSOLE. Single purpose, single architecture, single use. Ergo - appliance. A computer by it's very defenition is not only able to compute - but is programmable for an infinite variety of tasks. A VG console is obviously programable - but it's not going to suddenly sprout ports to cater to verticle niche markets, and that's why the damn software is so stable (plus there's a hell of a lot more testing involved). Let's see how two appliances compare. Let's look at a toaster, and an iMac. A toaster has a selectible variety of functions - all geared to making toast. An iMac has many functions only limited by it's software base (not taking into account it's size to other operating systems' base). A toaster has the single "push" interface which delivers bread into the bread slots or "port", and creates an intuitive method to making singed flour-based products. An iMac has no slots at all - instead it has a few serial ports which aren't capable of making cream of wheat let alone hooking up to a non-USB device. The toaster is easy to troubleshoot. If something is burning, just pull up on the toaster interface and "eject" the bread that is jamming the process. The iMac has no simple method for recovering from a myriad of crashes. In fact, with a software based on/off switch - you may have to unplug the device before you can even begin to troubleshoot. A toaster is capable of toasting not only bread, but bagels, waffles, and a great many flavors of toaster pastries. An iMac is capable of only running a specific type of software unless you want to become delussional and pretend that SoftPC will actually get anything akin to productivity with Windows applications accomplished. The toaster only has one button. So does an iMac, but in leu of simplicity, Apple has managed to screw up the basic form and function of the mouse. The upshot is that unless the iMac ISN'T a computer, be ready to accept a volley of questions from newbies and people who haven't touched a comptuer (rare - but not out of the question). For toaster users, if you're still having trouble using your device - seek professional clinical help.

February 5

Wired.com notes ANOTHER Federal Judge has told Apple that they are a publically held computer company - so START ACTING LIKE ONE. In this case that old Imatech lawsuit regarding patent infringement case surrounding ColorSynch, has dragged on beyond OJ trail like proportions of delays. Seems the legal department pansies in Cuppertino have been foot dragging - giving credence to the very real possibility that the lawsuit not only has merit - but could be lost. I don't know what the hold up is for Apple. After all what do they have to loose other than say - 1 billion plus frigging dollars! Well, suffice it to say that Steve Jobs really likes those profitable quarters and loosing a billion would be quite an embarassment. It's even more embarassing to have the CEO of Imatech sitting on the front lines of the media wondering if it's going to be an easy win on their stuff being stolen. But then it's just another day in court for Apple. Who knows! Apple could be riding this one out longer than the Microsoft DOJ mess. Imagine that!

February 6

Deep thoughts - by the ADC. Do you ever wonder when a guy is onstage with a video about snails with Pentium II's strapped to their backs - how they got molusks into a Wintel in the first place? Isn't it curious that Apple likes to poke fun at microprocessors based on speeds from a magazine company that's not even in business anymore? - Doesn't that kind of fortell the future for your own company? Wouldn't it be great if there were floppy-driveless computers that cost double the price of computers that had floppy drives, just to cheese off the Wintel users? Wouldn't it be great if they came in fruity colors? And what if Steve Jobs actually let Chiat-Day do something with the 300 million dollar plus that they earned on their account billings - other than acting as a bunch of yes-men to Jobs' every whim. After all - why should they have all the fun, just because you're paying for them and all. And wouldn't it be great if computers that came in tower configurations came with handles? I mean sure - you don't take them around town very much - but hey - computers with handles! And isn't it about time to make your computers with logos stuck to them so large - that if they appear in movies - they'll be easily seen by the people making out in the back seats? Wouldn't it be great if your computer was more like that new beetle from Volkswagon? Sure you can't stuff too many people into an iMac - but aren't those commercials of theirs great? I've got a better idea - let's take some of that 300 plus million that you're spending on that ad agency and just tell them to knock off those commericals - after all - why pay for something origonal, when you can just knock off another commercial? What if you could run video games on a computer that costs 10 times more than the video game system they're designed for - and tell people it's a good reason to buy your computer system on stage at an expo? I bet they'll think it's a good idea. How about telling users to cancel their plans for the weekend, and work for free at the store that's selling your computers? Beats spending your own money - and hey - it worked for the Egyptians. And what if your computer company made beer. Really GOOD beer...