Tick-Tock, Tick-Tock

Another occurance where a lot of real-life crap merits a double week update. Don't forget to check out Week 82 while you're enjoying this week.

February 14

Happy gushy-shit let's market the bouncing of the head of a Christian martyr across the floor into a greeting card holiday! This site isn't immune to the wiles of sex and passion as it displays the head of one of the least sore on the eye's free-thinkers of the 1920's Louise Brooks, in stark contrast to the ADC's favorite detractors whose own BBS displays their own sexual urges. I don't really go out of my way for spite - but seeing said sexual libidos on parade - you just gotta wonder. Speaking of heat and passions, seems that some more PowerBooks are going back to the relm of flaming yet again. Macintouch.com contains reports that without a battery, G3 models are burning yet again. Faster than you can say "come on baby light my fire" - the MacJihad have gone flame-happy from the heat of this one. Suffice it to say that while other laptops have had their shares of trouble across various vendors in history, Apple still remains as the first, and now second holders of the title of the open - laptop bar-b-que. I'd speculate further if this might somehow dammage Apple's credibility in computing circles - but given their current marketshare - there's not a whole-lotta shakin' goin on. Goodness gracious great balls of fire!

February 15
The San Jose Mercury News - otherwise known as the cure for the common hype bandwagon - does it's manditory review of the latest candy iMacs from Apple. Suck on this sugar for a while - After a week of working and playing with a lime-colored iMac, I've been reminded of some of the reasons I didn't like the original iMac -- and found some new reasons to dislike the design. In short, I still think the iMac puts ``cool'' appearance ahead of user friendliness. Not exactly shocking news from the SJM, but let's see how Mike Langberg takes the news from Steve Jobs on the importance of asthetics vs features - ``What's your favorite color?'' is going to become one of the most important questions for consumer PC buyers,'' said Steve Jobs, Gibberish? Excuse me, Mr. Jobs. Buying a PC is too complicated, without doubt. But what's inside the box is still far more important than the box's color. If Jobs were running General Motors, he'd probably tell us to stop obsessing about how much horsepower is under the hood and buy poorly built cars just because he's painted racing stripes on the sides. OOooooo - that's one's gonna leave a mark! In fact, after doing a littany of some of the bad ideas about the asthetics and features which the ADC has already harped on far too much for a repeat, Mike summs up with my favorite tagline on the new philosophy which has Apple firmly planted in the shallow grave status - These flaws, I believe, more than outweigh the Mac's famed ease of use. I'll grant that Mac OS 8.5 is a slick interface, and even has a few advantages over Windows 98. But Windows 98, overall, isn't significantly more difficult to master -- a statement I make reluctantly, because it will subject me to torrents of flame mail from outraged Mac users, most of whom have little experience with Windows. Speaking of flames, there was a great casual note to people that often show up on my electronic doorstep with bad-tidings as to my health, my next of kin, and my reason for living - A NOTE TO MAC FANATICS: I am the spawn of the devil. Microsoft and Intel are paying me under the table to trash Apple. I'm an idiot, and my employers should fire me immediately. Now that we've got that out of the way, I welcome thoughtful commentary on this column from Mac lovers who have something to say beyond a mindless diatribe against my intelligence or motives. Suffice it to say I'm not as chartitable in the grand scheme of things to people who take offense at my own personal corporate Obituary In Waiting, if you don't like what I write - tough shit - don't read it.

February 16

This came across via the BBBS from a loony I like to refer to as "King Rodney". The Rodman, despite his affiliation with a decent job in the insurance industry - and other ties to the concept of having a life - has gone into the relm of the unhealthy obsessive via theimac.com. In light of all the fanboy slave labor and dellusional mindsets within the MacJihad that are now populating retail stores on the weekends, I'll take the easy writers cop-out and let his words do their own brand of justice and topicallity. I'm going to post this pretty much verbatem - apart from the repetitive nonsense that goes nowhere. Let our Rodney speak - with my own pearls of wisdom interspaced throughout the swine. I'm in italics.
CompUSA Corporate Headquarters
Attn: James Halpin, President and Chief Executive Officer
From: Rodney O. Lain, Mac user and CompUSA employee Somewhere in Minnesota…

Dear Mr. Halpin:
Mr. Halpin, please read this letter. This is not intended to be a diatribe given the fact that I edited out several sophist headers - by the time he get's this far - it's too late to be considered anything BUT a diatribe. (After all, CompUSA has been getting more than enough diatribes of late, from Mac users far more articulate and far more technologically astute than I.) My amount and level of sacrifice He never specifies what the hell kind of sacrafices he's made (if I could have found them I'd have included them), I can hardly see how this is anything but oddly delluded gives me, I think, a certain right to write to you. As you can see, I really want CompUSA to be successful as the self-styled "America's Macintosh Headquarters." What I present to you herein can be "blown off" as merely the words of an insignificant "wage slave,"trust me - nothing endears you to a CEO like refering yourself as a "slave" - after all what does that make the CEO? since I may come across as one of those fanatical Mac loyalists he did you've undoubtedly heard so much about. But even more, I'm one of those who feels that I can somehow bend your ear via my cyber soapbox, since I'm sure that many CompUSA patrons are listening in. It would be bad PR not to listen to your customer base :-) Enamored with the gumdrop-shaped iMac myself, I became a computer salesman, for he express purpose of helping to promote it after concealing his moonlighting, what's not to take seriously from this guy?. Who cares if I had to sell PCs in the process? Ah, the sacrifices I made Again with the sacrafices! What the HELL is this guy doing? Flaggalation with an Apple mouse? What? I felt good about my decision. Couple this with the mere existence of CompUSA's established Apple section, I waited for the computing revolution which would surely follow. But, alas and alack, it surely didn't begin with a bang -- it didn't even seem to begin at all. And if it did, it seemed more like it began with T. S. Eliot's proverbial whimper you know you're in trouble when you quote angst ridden poets. Not much happened. Sure, your stores shelves were loaded with items that had multi-hued apples emblazoned on them. But you have to do more to CompUSA retail space than "build it and they will come."well, it seems to work for IBM's ThinkPads - but I guess that's another ballgame If you'll pardon the grammar, the "field of dreams" it ain't -- not for customers easily sold on cheap, ubiquitous, Windows PCs.There is a time and a place for subtlety. This is neither. So I will stop the rhetoric and propose what I think are necessary for you to improve Mac sales. You need Mac enthusiasts to sell Macs properly. again, I've not run into IBM enthusiasts, Compaq enthusiasts, or Sony Vario enthusiasts yet - if I was a CEO of that store I might be wondering the same thing at this point This is the most important point. Even if you have a store full of people knowledgeable about Macs, it will take an "extra something" to be truly effective in selling them. You need Mac users selling Macs. warning the following might cause stomach discomfort - you've been warned "Think Different" is more than an ad campaign. It's a worldview. Mac users -- current and future -- really are not your average consumers. They are in tune with this worldview, this zeitgeist, if you will. With one or two savvy Mac users in your employ, they can lead the way. They can tap into this zeitgeist, showing how easy it is to sell Macs. I'm living proof (but that is a column for another day). Aside from the oddest use of the word "zeitgeist", this was rich. Considering that I've WORKED IN ADVERTISING - I need to point out that the response this elicited from me, can be found in the follow-up Set up Macs with running versions of Virtual PC and Virtual GameStation You mean, you haven't heard? Macs can run Windows® 95, 98, 3.1, NT, etc. very badly unless you're putting in an Orange Micro board or some hardware hack Also they can play a multitude of Sony® PlayStation® Games. Whenever I tell customers this, their eyes light up. Imagine if they could see this themselves. Can you say "cha-ching"? Develop a relationship with the local Macintosh User Groups Call me wierd, but I thought user groups were the domain of computer companies and users - not retailers - ok I'm wierd I guess Need I say more? please god don't Point your browser to http://www.miniapples.org. That is my mission. I hope it will be yours. Not to be arrogant, but you need more people like me. and he's modest too! Highest regards, what the hell is he smoking? --- Rodney O. Lain, rodneyo@macconnect.com. PS Is there any way I can get a free iMac or a blue G3 out of this? I figured you could "hook me up," being CEO and all… ;-) is he joking? At this point even I can't tell.

There's plenty of MST3K fodder in there - but the advertising bit made me hope that perhaps an intervention - or at least a heads-up - might be in order. In a wild fit of abandon I sent a message for the King to reply to. Tune in tomorrow to find out what it was.

February 17

Normally I don't interact with the crazies out there. It taints the pool of control subjects and is just bad mojo all around. But - I figured - if you're going to make a case out of a MacDerilict, you might as well solicit his side of the story - or at least give advice on how bizzare his life perspective has become. So I took the plunge and actually sent some words his way - once - in the hopes of getting a better perspective on this outright bizzare mindset and the dementia that lies within. I focused on the advertising portion of his diatribe because after all - that's my turf baby. Here's the message titled "seek professional help":

re:"You need Mac users selling Macs. "Think Different" is more than an ad campaign. It's a worldview. Mac users -- current and future -- really are not your average consumers. They are in tune with this worldview, this zeitgeist, if you will. With one or two savvy Mac users in your employ, they can lead the way. They can tap into this zeitgeist, showing how easy it is to sell Macs. I'm living proof "

Uh Rodney? - it's a bunch of guys, in half-@ssed apparel sitting around drinking coffee or beer and thumbing through stacks of papers from the copywriters, bouncing ideas off a few art directors, watching other agencies reels for existing approaches, and getting the Creative Director's sign off before making the presentation to the client. It's called advertising. It's NOT a worldview. If it makes you THINK it's a worldview - then it's either sucessful in the eyes of some of the more pompous in the writing pit, or it can indicate a great many things wrong in the mind.

Now - before you dismiss this verbage as an attack exclusively - I've worked for TBWA Chiat-Day (the people hawking Apple amongst other accounts in the network - TBWA Chiat-Day Wolfe Freeman St. Louis specifically) - as well as many other agencies over the last 9 years, so I've got a hint where "Think Different" came from. In this instance it was the Venice Beach office lorded over by Lee Clow who'se largest fashion sense starts with his shorts and ends with his sandals.

His contribution - as one of the better creative directors out there - is to latch onto an emotional issue and milk it for all it's worth. Given the fact that Steve Jobs has micromanaged the campeign to the point of nearly using his voice - instead of Dryfuss - in the initial series, makes it downright confusing who is the client and who is the highly paid advertising agency. In either case - it's an ad campeign to move computers. If it makes people feel better about Apple then it's doing it's job. If it sells more computers it's doing it's job.

If it's making people devote spare time to doing stuff a company should be doing - pursuing a "worldview" - then it's not a question if the advertising has gone too far - but what is that person and his "worldview" thinking - exactly? It's a wonderful life. Live it - spend more time with the people you love. I smell an obsession - of the more unhealthy variety. Get help. Monty Gabrys.

All I can say folks - is I tried. I've yet to get a response, and giving the background of a person in ego-isolation amongst the insurance industry and campus professor types, I think we lost a soul here. All we can do from here on out is pray.

February 18

The MacMarines - source of constant amusement - has indicated that one of it's more "stable" members nearly got arrested for doing their usual thing - in the reality driven construct otherwise known as Best Buy Inc. Take a gander at the results as relayed by the fine folk at the BBBS. I'll be MST3King this one like last time in italics - enjoy.
1) She [wife] looked for the Apple section - but there was NONE.Go fig you moron - this isn't CompUSA - or did you miss the sign above the door?
2) She asked a clerk for assistance with purchasing an iMac. The clerk told her to wait. A sweeping indictment given that many sales staff are busy and will ask people to wait - perhaps the MacJihad are superior to the rest of the public?
3) I followed the clerk to the repair area - there the clerk made some rude remarks about my wife to another clerk (regarding her height and gender) and said she wanted to {snicker} buy a Mac. The second clerk snickered as well and asked what he told her, he said 'to wait' - so the second clerk said 'good, lets see how long she waits till she gets smart and buys a PC instead' Either this guy has Superman hearing, or I smell the pungent aroma of bullshit
4) At this point I asked a different clerk where the Mac software was. He took me to the software section and said, 'We don't have much Mac software because there is really no software available for the Mac.' and then proceeded to imitate (poorly I might add) Steve Martin as the weight guesser in 'The Jerk' - obviously he had done it many times before - as he showed me the 3 mac titles they had. Then he started to berate the Macintosh and me for owning one - he told me that I should get with the 21st century and sell the Mac and get a PC - and for proof, just look at all the PC stuff they carry. Then I unzipped my jacket revealing one of my plethora of Mac T-Shirts and his eyes bugged and he said - jeez, you're one of those Mac weirdo's aren't you, you're just here to pester us. Then he walked away from me. Actually if the Jerk thing happened - it didn't in reality I'm guessing but rather was just a comment on the small selection of Mac software available - imagine that? Of course wearing a corporate logo isn't bad in of itself, as opposed to doing a Clark Kent impersonation - at this point the ADC just shakes it's head in wonder...
5) Meanwhile, my wife had been waiting for quite some time so she asked to see the manager - some guy appeared after another 10 minutes and told her that they don't have any Macs in stock and that he had no idea if they were ever going to get any more. I was on my way back towards the computer section when I saw one of the first two clerks take the only thing in the store that had a mac on it, a standing sign with two sides, and turned the sign around so the picture of the iMac was facing the wall. This sign was right in the cattle shoot entry way of the store by the way. Life's a bitch, and then Apple fucks up the retailer relationship. Surprised?
6) I walked up to my wife and asked her how it was going - then the clerk that thought he was Steve Martin walked up to the 'manager' and said that I was harassing him. We were both asked to leave the store on the spot or security would be called. At this point - with nothing being purchased and a lot of time and posing going on - I'd have to wonder if we're in the relm of harassment myself. I don't really care because the nice thing about harassment in legal circles is that anything qualifies. If a person feels harassed, it's the harassee's take on the matter - not the asshole wondering if he's crossing the line.
7) My jaw hit the floor and I practically exploded No harassment there- I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Without raising my voice I said that we were here as 'preferred' customers who haven't bought anything - and have just been wasting people's time, and that we were interested in purchasing mac products so much so there's nothing in their posession that they want to buy - that's real consumer leverage there folks... and that we were being treated extremely poorly. The manager told us that we were just fanatics looking to make Best Buy look bad - I told him that we were here to PURCHASE items from their store which they never bothered to even retain on their person. An argument ensued between the staff and myself at which point a cop/rent-a-cop appeared At this point, the ADC was really rooting for the wet meaty thump-ity-thump-thumps of a MacJihader going down for the count. We were escorted to the exit and told that if we came back in we would be arrested. Now, mind you, we were there to BUY stuff which wasn't available - and they didn't actually take anything off the shelves meaning they were just pestering the staff - we never 'tricked' anyone, never did anything other than ask for information - but upon me opening my jacket revealing the 'Expect the Impossible' T-Shirt' - the impossible started happening. Not only will I never grace Best Buy with my presence again at this point I don't think they really have a choice on this unless they're a fan of bending over for the soap , I am SERIOUSLY starting to get upset with Apple and, dare I say it, might actually start looking at PC's. Hell, I least I won't have to face jail time for trying to buy PC stuff.

Well there you have it. Another "typical" Apple user running afoul of the little barrier we call - reality. It's been wondered openly by fellow BBBS'ers if the next chapter in this little drama might involve gunplay and spilt blood. The ADC hopes this isn't the case - but at this point - we're cautiously pessemistic.

February 19

If I didn't mention it before - taking a poorly selling product that has "inventory bloat" (a bargin for 999.00) written all over it - and turning it into 5 products instead of one, isn't such a hot idea. Seems the people in Japan tend to agree according to Cnet which reports - In Japan, store owners complain that the company doesn't allow retailers to only stock more popular colors, which are often blueberry and grape. Instead, Apple forces vendors to buy the same amount of each color, according to the report in the Nihon Keizai Shimbun, a major Japanese business daily. Naturally this is the same fallout which is putting the Best Buy deal into the gutter - so I'm not one to tolerate Japan bashing at this point. Seems that between Europe and Asia, there's a whole lot of pragmatism going on - at Apple's expense.

February 20

Speaking of Japan, there's been a nice rollout of product from Apple that has otherwise gone down in flames on stage at the MacWorld expo in Tokyo. Seems that in the middle of an unfinished product (Quicktime 4.0 one presumes) running on several oddball displays (the iMac) from one underpowered server with near-beta ware (OS X) that the whole shebang went crashing down around an otherwise irate Steve Jobs who took a page from David Letterman and told everyone "goodnite everybody". In stark contrast to Bill Gate's blunders, this one was pure Jobs. Pissy, quaint, and predictable. What's not so predictable is whether the crowd that was hoping for something other than a rehash of the San Francisco MacWorld expo will give Apple the time of day in the future - according to MacWeek.com (the paperless publication). Seems that after so many years of being treated as a backwater market by the people in Cupertino, the people in Japan had their hopes set on high that someone in California might otherwise give a damn about products labeled with the Apple logo - and show them something new. Think Different? Think Again!