Tick-Tock, Tick-Tock

June 13

Don Crab blows Gasket, waistline, bottem line, bottom.

In an not so astounding turn of events - the ever jolly silicon jokester, Don Crab - last seen dressed as Jabba the Hutt at the Star Wars Episode I premiere - comes to the conclusion that Apple just isn't trying anymore with the corporate market - and only can prey on the weak individual consumer market that is reeling from the Steve Jobs' reality distortion field. People at Sears found themselves unable to resist the large banners over the iMacs and G3's on display taunting them to think different. Cab Benard responded - "I'm a IT admin with a petrochemical firm writing firmware for oil exploration and even though I've got 4 NT boxes on my desk at work - I just couldn't resist the beck and call of the oversized Jim Henson poster." Don Crab noted that while the consumer market is going well for Apple, people are still holed up in IT departments coast to coast - behind large lead lined doors that Apple executive staff have found daunting to say the least. ADC representative JohnGalt9669 explains: "Don Crabb is just pissed off that Apple is not focusing on the corporate market--I have repeatedly said time and time again that apple will target other markets as soon as it has a concrete position in the consumer arena." It's with this dire warning that 250 of the Fortune 500 have taken this threat seriously and have upgraded their defensive parimeters coast to coast, not including attack dogs, lethal gas weapons, and re-asembled decomissioned MintuteMan II missiles. Don Crab was only last seen muttering with a teltale bit of drool - "Think Different, Think Different".

June 14
Apple unveiles latest iMac revisions - including the new iTIT.
Taking "Thinking Diffferent" to a whole new level, Apple unveiled new texture wrapped iMacs in new sexually explicit depictions. Catering to thousands of sexually frustrated computer users everywhere, the new iTIT allows those who have wasted their days enlessly in IRC chats to get more comfortable with intimacy. "It really helps me get a grip on the internet - and I've never felt more confident!", quipped Larry Gelbartol of Hackensack New Jersey. Others however were less than receptive to this wholesale anthromorphic melding of technology and the female form. Dedicated ADC BBBS poster KarmiCommunist, blurted out - "What in Karmic Hell's name is THAT?!? 'iBoobs and IMPOSSIBLE Weaning'...Just say "NO" to MacMilk. If you feel the 'URGE' to 'suckle'...so to speak, then go to almost any store & buy a pacifier. JUST say "NO" to MacMilk!!! Think Pacifier!". Others were not as quick to judge including longtime techno-luddite Hugh Heffner whose last acceptance of technology only extended to Atari related products in the early 80s. Claiming to have been deeply hurt and mistrustful of high-tech gadgets following the collapse of the Warner owned Atari and it's following long delcine under the Trammels, Hugh claimed that now he felt safe backing a product from a company that has a timely relevance in the computer industry - and one that should be a forerunner for years to come.

June 15

Factoid Man pushes on into the Grandmaster Debate Finals

The Apple support network on the World Wide Web got another shot in the arm as one of it's most tennacious debaters garnered a stunning lead in the online debate between Macs and PC's (or Pee Cees as many in the Apple camp call them). In a stunning turnabout move, Factoid Man, threw a major confounder at a message composed by Mac_Realist about University endorsements for Apple products. Things were getting pretty ugly until the F.Man hurled this statement at his challenger - "Got my blinders on...I can't HEAR you!". This left the befuddled Mac_Realist dead in the water as he suddenly realized that any more typing he could produce would only fall on deaf monitors. Mac_Realist was last checking to see if there was anything the moderators of the BBBS could to break this gridlock that ground the proceedings to a dead-halt. As time progressed, it was obvious that Factoid Man would emerge the victor and seat his mighty place well within the ring of the Grandmaster elite for their upcoming second round at the ADC BBBS. Stay tuned for further reports.

June 16

The battle of the microprocessors wages on.

While more snails awaited their fate to be abused in a nationwide marketing push - the battle of the chip-specs waged on. While people on the internet lobbed factoid vollys and benchmark tests into the wee hours several conclusions were reached for the bruised combatents of Grokspeak. At the height of pitched tensions - Mr_Bodywave was heard to exclaim - "Oh PUHlease. Sure the G3-350 would beat an AMD K6-2 350. No way I would argue that, I agree. I DISAGREE about the price. Only someone intentionly trying to make the Apples look good in a comparison would find the two models priced the same." Apple supporters were only left to shrug their shoulders as most of them - utter hardware newbies - had no idea what to make of this person's strange dialogue. Many in fact wondered if it was some form of speaking in tongues similar to the Southern Christian rituals involving snake handling. John Bennard of Norway was heard to say - "it was eerie - all we said was the G3 was twice as fast as anything Intel put out - and then he responded with this strange jibberish that no one around us could understand. My family alone can speak 3 languages but this talk about AMD had us totally in the dark. We thought it was all Power PC's and Pentiums!". When informed later of processors from Cyrix, another round of confused looks and shrugging shoulders were passed around as an awkward silence filled the room. Mr_Bodywave was last seen bitching about outdated and biased trials from dead magazines like Byte, and was quickly shunned by the Mac faithful.

June 17

What is this thing called Linux?

More Apple representatives were beside themselves in the face of an increasing amount of online chatter about something called "Linux". Some reports claimed that it was an Operating System that was robust and unix based. "That's impossible" - said Walter Bryan of Apple's Advanced OS Development Group - "There's only ONE operating system that has Unix influences, and we paid over 400 million dollars to buy NeXT out and bring it into the company". Others begged to differ including cable4096 which confounded the best minds in enterprise technology with his observations - "Hard to say as Linux is freely downloaded and people who do that are not counted, just the retail and OEM sales are counted. Also all those people who get free copies of Linux burned on CD-ROM from User Groups are also not counted. DataQuest did say that from 1996 to 1997, Linux Marketshare increased 212%, and every year it appears to double. So if Linux was 1% last year, it could become 2% this year." Shocked and alarmed at this blind-side from nowhere, of both an unknown OS that now threatened to overtake Apple's staunchest efforts at marketshare - panic quickly erupted as the concept of OEM sales ment that someone out there was not only aquiring this strange OS - but it was being bundled into computers that were being sold on the open market! The fact that this was happening while hints of a "free" OS that was downloadable made the anixiety reach unprecidented levels. Walter burst into tears and shouted - "Here we are selling upgrades for 100 dollars and they're just giving it away! - how come Microsoft isn't freaking out like the rest of us?" When Microsoft was contacted - they only mentioned that they were looking into it, and that Bill Gates was unavailable for comment as it was time for his 1:30pm swim in the money vault.

June 18

The ADC BBBS get's "Jiggy Wit It".

In a startling turnabout, tech talk turned to things a little more private between resident Apple and Wintel/Linux gurus FactoidMan and cable4096 while debatting the merits of cheap computers and educational pricing suddenly took a turn for the deep down and funky when following exchange ensued: (Cable) -"Yes, just another smokescreen to cover your rear end? :)" (F.Man) - "Why are you so concerned with my rear end? You are starting to make me nervous.;)". Observers were perplexed why things got so cordial, "but in the world of online debates about technology trends, anything's possible." - mused Richard Brannif who quickly retired for a cold shower. Centers for Alternative Lifestyles were not amused however as the whole thing if taken as a joke could have homophobic rammifications. Fred Greenburg head of the Freedom Alliance for Growth Gay Orientated Temperments - "We've endured so much to come this far - isn't it time that we stop and think about the hurt?". The emotional plea was otherwise missed by all but this journalist as there were about 25,000 other news leads of more urgent and pressing matters.

June 19

ADC returns after a 2 month haitus!

After a two month halt to nearly 2 years of constant Apple scrit, Mgabrys informed the general public that was casually interrested - what the fuck happened, and where the shit were you? Well, the ADC moved from one physical location to another and during the course of the intermission, various utilities were shut down during the move. Work also went into high gear when over 1200 large middle aged American people owning businesses catering to the sales of TV products decended en-masse causing the author to have to work through a weekend or two. Mgabrys quote - "The move was the real bitch. It was pretty much a solo act except for 2 hours of a Saturday, and 4 hours of a Wednesday - tons of shit was thrown away, and after the fact that 2 weeks were still pending when I left off - it was pretty hard just to even think about making the site current - or doing it the same way ever again after all the fucking crap I hauled out of my apartment". When asked if he would attempt to make the site catch-up the missing dates in the interm, only a "fuck that" was overheard as a reply. "Plus you should check out the decorator site I've been working on for customers in the decorating biz - this side line is heating up and man, the clients are way easy on the eyes!" refering to http://www.netherworld.com/~mgabrys/balloon2 which was put together prior to a 700 balloon construction effort that took him to the lazy shores of a beach, rave, vollyball, indoor-nightclub, cookout......thing. In the meantime though there were many assurances that with a new direction that is an "easy bitch" to write, there will be weekly updates once again - and the world will be that much better of a place to live in. Thank you and good nite!